After speaking with sources who have chosen to remain anonymous, it has been confirmed that the Philly Phanatic is the ringleader of a local Philadelphia organization in which fans utilize multiple e-mail addresses to vote their favorite undeserving Phillies to the 2010 All-Star game.
"The goal, originally, was to make sure David Wright was not voted in at third base" revealed the Phanatic when pressed by authorities.
"We can't let anything New York outshine us."
In an attempt to continue the brief glory years of the historically dismal, losingest franchise in baseball history, the Phanatic organized his troops with one motto in mind: Phuck the Mutts.
The Phanatic has been accused and charged with ballot stuffing, operating under a false identity, and making a mockery of the MLB All-Star game.
This, however, is not the first ballot stuffing ring the Phanatic has been suspected of masterminding. It is rumored that back in 2000, the Phanatic was in Florida on the night of the presidential election.
This, however, could not be confirmed.
Phanatic's cousin, Shrek, refused comment.
-Tom Greenhalgh (6/19/10)
That dang Phillie Phanatic. Why doesn't he use his snout for something good, like stopping the oil spill in the Gulf? It's certainly big enough to do the job.
ReplyDeleteGreat investigative reporting. Too bad Shrek wasn't available. Perhaps his other cousin, Gumby, will talk if he's bent the wrong way.